Saint Seiya: Satan, Chapter - Wretches and Freaks
by Aayla Security
Summary: A thorough parody of the most beloved Saint Seiya season of all time, complete with a trailer and a pre-game show. In the last episode, "The Cloth of MacGuffin", Aries "Shotgun" "Napoleon" Shion explains his devastatingly clever plan, making the Bronze Saints' brains leak out and escape their skulls in protest.
1. Trailer

_THIS IS THE FINAL HOUR_

EXT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

MU: Seiya, have I ever lied to you?

SEIYA: You mean, in the last ten seconds?

_OLD FOES ARE REUNITED_

EXT. STAIRWAY

SHURA: Hey Saga, I think we just totally disproved your silly physicalism! THE MIND STILL EXISTS AFTER THE BODY PERISHES!

SAGA: But it IS DEPENDENT on it!

_NEVER MORE DANGEROUS_

Montages of IDENTICAL BLACK-CLOAKS floating around are shown.

EXT. CANCER TEMPLE

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's warriors – Saints!

SPECTER LEADER: Oh, like that _means_ something.

SPECTER LEADER hits SEIYA and roars!

_WITH LOVE, COMES DANGER_

INT. SOME ORANGE BED ROOM

JUNE and SEIYA are seriously making out. It's steamy, it's private, and it's shot in extreme close-ups.

JUNE: (suddenly jumps away from Seiya while yanking up the sheets) Wait, are we supposed to have sex in this series?

SEIYA: (shrugging) I don't know. The convention is that the trailer shows scenes of the protagonist doing it with random females, regardless of whether this actually happens.

_WITH DEATH, COMES REVIVAL_

AIOLOS materializes from the ground; an aura of death swirls around him.

_WITH UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE, COMES SACRIFICE_

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. TAURUS TEMPLE

ALDEBARAN is seriously considering adopting the ORPHAN GIRL that adores him; suddenly, he is hit from behind and DIES.

ALDEBARAN: (screams before he falls) OH, YOU CHEAP BASTARDS!

_WITH REUNION, COMES DESTRUCTION_

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

DISABLED EX-GOLD SAINTS and HEALTHY GOLD SAINTS are killing each other, equally matched.

SHURA: Die, most incompetent healthy people ever!

INT. SOME DARK ROOM

The camera pans over a small figure then it is cut to DEPRESSING IMAGERIES, including a series of DESTROYED ZODIAC TEMPLES, a DESERTED FIVE PEAK POST, a GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE, and a glimpse of HELL.

KIKI (V. O.): (creepily singing) Here I am at Camp Grenada

Camp is very entertaining

And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. LEO TEMPLE - EXTREME CLOSE-UP TO AIOLIA'S DARKENED FACE

AIOLIA: You're alive!

He is then BEAT UP BY A DISGUSTING BLOB.

_THIS SUMMER_

MONTAGES OF RANDOM EXPLOSIONS are shown.

_FROM THE CREATORS OF SAINT SEIYA: PROMISED LAND AND SAINT SEIYA: REEF HUGGER_

_THE FINAL ACT OF SAINT SEIYA_

MONTAGES OF SEIYA BEING THROWN AROUND are shown.

_MYSTERIES_

EXT. TOKYO FORD

SHUN: Don't provoke me. Your primitive Dionysian Impulse is no match for my pacifist ideals, which are further fueled by my superior intellect!

UNDEAD SILVER SAINTS: What?

SHUN: Pi to 26 decimal places is 3.14159265358979323846264338!

UNDEAD SILVER SAINTS beat the crap out of him.

UNDEAD SILVER SAINTS: Idiot! Pi can't save Athena! NOTHING CAN!

_BETRAYAL_

EXT. ARIES TEMPLE

Someone shatters MU'S CRYSTAL WALL.

MU: (gasps) Oh my god, you were such a lousy teacher!

_REDEMPTION_

INT. ATHENA'S PLACE

MILO: Are you ready to die and have your organs harvested?

KANON: I…I will not fall. You can kill me now, Milo, because I totally don't plan on dying on Athena now!

_SAINT SEIYA: SATAN, CHAPTER – WRETCHES AND FREAKS_

_COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU_

_EXPERIENCE IT IN 3D AND IMAX 3D_


	2. Pre-Game Show

A montage of SAINTS' BATTLE STANCES is played. The large capital letters read:

_ATHENA_

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

BRONZE SAINTS are charging to camera.

_LOVE_

INT. HOUSE

LITTLE PANDORA tends to BABY SHUN.

_JUSTICE ON EARTH_

EXT. SPACE

SAGA

GALAXIAN EXPLOSION!

The letters EXPLODE; they morph into:

_SAINT SEIYA: SATAN, CHAPTER – WRETCHES AND FREAKS_

_PRE-GAME SHOW_

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

DEATHMASK: Well, here we are again.

SHION: Invading the Sanctuary has long been my secret fantasy, and I'm glad to do it under the guise of justice.

SHURA: This is what Saint Seiya is all about: angst, multi-colored hair, lots of crying.

Suddenly, the PRELUDE TO "LET IT BE" starts playing. We play a montage of SHION being STABBED, SAGA committing suicide, CAMUS succumbing to severe HYPOTHERMIA, SHURA being rocketed into the outer atmosphere, APHRODITE being blown to bits by SOLAR WIND, and DEATHMASK falling to his death.

CAMUS: When I found myself in rocks and pebbles, Satan Hades came to me,

Speaking words of wisdom: let it freeze.

And as the Prince of Darkness threatened me with a demise that ain't neat,

"This is Armageddon: let it freeze."

Let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze.

This is Armageddon, let it freeze.

Soldiers in cryostasis struggle to defrost and then decree,

"Build an icy kingdom. Make them see."

For though Saints may lack practice they are terrifying angry creeps,

Kill them as a prayer. What a breeze.

What a breeze, what a breeze, what a breeze, what a breeze.

Blast them to mere atoms. No debris.

No debris, no debris, no debris, no debris.

This is Armageddon, let it freeze.

In INTERMISSION, we visit the various PROTAGONISTS.

INT. LEO TEMPLE

AIOLIA: (dramatic sigh) I felt everyone when they arrived. Though I knew them well before their unfortunate deaths, I didn't anticipate the depth of their friendship. How else would they know Athena is driving us crazy because She's bored out of Her skull and itches for things to kill?

INT. SCORPIO TEMPLE

MILO: A violent, bloody, emotionally-draining battle is precisely what our Goddess needs, and I'm grateful those pathetic suckers stepped up. Serves them right for being so incompetent as to die in the first place.

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

SAGA: This is, I believe, how things come to full circle: First, we kill ourselves, then a foreign Goddess, Poseidon, random movie entities, and now we are back to killing ourselves.

We are then shown a clip of except for SHION, everyone being resurrected, only to be collectively killed off again.

CAMUS: Let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze.

This is Armageddon, let it freeze.

You'll be stuck in frozen comas, not a chance for escape feats,

Choking till tomorrow, "let me breathe."

I arm myself with winds from arctic, Satan Hades commands me,

This is Armageddon, make them see.

Make them see, make them see, make them see, make them see.

There will be surrender. Make them see

Make them see, make them see, make them see, make them see.

I do somewhat hate Her. Make them see!

Let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze, let it freeze!

This is Armageddon: let it freeze!

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

SEIYA: Here we are at Sanctuary, Athens, Greece. The temperature is a comfortable 35 Fahrenheit, overcast, ripe for some light, emo rain. We are super excited for you to join us at this outstanding event of Gold Saints killing each other, but, before that, let's get a unique behind-the-scenes look at the two teams, Dead and Alive.

SHIRYU: Joining with us live are Team Dead, led by their coach, Aries "Godfather" "Popy" "Shotgun" Shion, and Team Alive, led by our Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End, Athena. So, Ex-Pope –

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

SHION: (smiling) Please, call me Shotgun.

SHIRYU: (uncomfortable) Okay, Shotgun, how do you feel about leading the invasion into a place that you used to call home and killing the people you used to call friends?

SHION: I called them friends? That was surprisingly generous of me.

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

SHUN: Miss Saori, what is Your take on Shotgun's invasion plan?

ATHENA: Amusing. If that old fuck thinks he can upstage Me in pseudo leadership and pretentious self-sacrifice, he's in for a nasty surprise.

SHIRYU: Now, the audience is promised a huge, very moving, potentially earth-shattering plot twist by the Creator, Shotgun.

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

SHION: Oh yeah, it's brilliant: We plan to kill Athena, because She needs to enter Afterlife to kill Hades, and we need Her Blood to transform Her statue to Her armor.

HYOGA: …Interesting. What does the timeline look like?

SHION: We kill Her, then create Her armor, then give it to Her.

SHUN: I think there's something vaguely wrong with this action plan.

SAGA: He said he will iron out the logistics as we go along.

SHURA: Go along…as in dying left and right?

SHIRYU: (changing subject) How earth-shatteringly ingenious! What are the chances of them succeeding, Mu?

INT. ARIES TEMPLE

MU: They will be destroyed unless they lower the difficulty level to "Baby Mode for Babies."

HYOGA: Er…what are the chances of you succeeding, Team Dead?

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

CAMUS: It's certainly not impossible. I mean, we are kind of strategic about this. Like, one of the most common misconceptions is that Deathmask and Aphrodite are a team. They are not, but this time they do officially team up for the first time ever. I think the fans will be very pleased, and the good will created will bless us and give us some much needed good luck.

Behind him, the TWO PROBABLY EVIL EX-GOLD SAINTS are bickering.

DEATHMASK: Maybe, just maybe, one day you will use your balls to realize that growing flowers isn't anywhere as manly as you'd think. Oh I forgot, YOU DON'T HAVE THEM! Suck it, slut!

APHRODITE: Jesus, it's been ten minutes since we met and I hate you already.

SHURA: (muttering) I'd rather all eighteen of us storm our way in at the same time. Strategy, my ass!

SHUN: (shouting over him) Wow! So just how motivated are you to fight them, Aldebaran?

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

ALDEBARAN: (contemplative) You know, it comes to a point in time when you realize that most of your life has been spent on meaningless pursuits, but somehow you are lucky enough to have the thing you desire most? That should make me feel good, right?

SHUN: Er…how motivated are YOU to fight them, Shaka?

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

SHAKA: Highly. Does Saga remember the time when he insulted my religion? I remember that. I remember that all the time!

SEIYA: But…what if it looks like they are doing it for a good reason?

SHAKA: Ooooh, the sweet sound of their bones cracking when I run my Wheel of Reincarnation over them! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

SAGA: I don't regret it! I was right! That was what mattered! Shaka can take it like a man or live in his delusions created by mankind's obsessive need to find meaning in a meaningless, wholly physical world due to the natural selection of organisms that required perception of illusionary control and continuity! I don't care if it kills me!

SHURA: Shut up, Saga! Are they saying that if we admit we're really, really sorry, they will let us pass peacefully?

INT. LEO TEMPLE

AIOLIA: Oh sure, if Saga makes up for the thirteen years of painful ostracism and self-blame that I endured.

INT. ARIES TEMPLE

MU: Well, Saga is sure as hell gonna pay for killing my Master and being a generally repugnant person.

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

DEATHMASK: So…what if we give them Saga's corpse as a peace offering?

INT. LEO TEMPLE

AIOLIA: Oh, I'm so sorry. I should've mentioned that my compensation requires some time travel.

INT. ARIES TEMPLE

MU: Just kidding. I love making all of you suffer equally, and I won't stop at torturing Saga alone.

INT. SCORPIO TEMPLE

MILO: To be honest, I don't care about murdering Saga. I care about humiliating Camus.

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

ALDEBARAN: (sighs) I've never noticed that the stars in the Sanctuary can be so bright. It's almost calming. Makes me realize in this truly wonderful universe there are things bigger than myself.

SHUN: Now we will tackle the burning issue that all the viewers have! Does your resurrection change your view on life and death?

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

CAMUS: Well, it's definitely cooler out here. And I think I do get my book published.

SHURA: Huh?

CAMUS: Okay, I see you do not get the joke. Let me explain. You see, I was in this place where was full of fire, smoke, torture and anguish, right? And those guys – you know, the ones with the really silly horns and big red forks and thorny lashes? They were whipping us, and I say us because I was one of the many writers who were chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop, scribbling frantically, ready for a futile publisher meeting that would be in five minutes.

SAGA: I don't think that really happened.

CAMUS: (frustrated) Well…

DEATHMASK: So, what's the point?

CAMUS: This is a joke, Goddamn it! This is my one-shot attempt at a joke that is not associated with water and you spoiled it! I'm going to watch _Atlantis: The Lost Empire _and sink the Sanctuary into the ocean!

INT. AIRES TEMPLE

MU: It's self-defeating. Those people just don't get it: Isn't life precious because you get one and only one life?

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

ALDEBARAN: Oooh, I'd like to believe that.

SHIRYU: What do you guys think?

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

DEATHMASK: Look, there are people who will tell you life is beautiful because it's only once. They will tell you that the shorter a life, the more precious it becomes. Those people are either trying to kill you or are dumbasses.

SAGA: I will come out and say: I really, really like living. I can't help it. We humans are hard-wired to be addicted to living. Especially after experiencing Death.

CAMUS: Living is poetic. It's like flowing down a beautiful river that hopefully never meets a waterfall.

SHURA: Look, living is time. Time is money. Can you get enough money? No. Therefore, you can't get enough living.

APHRODITE: It actually depends on the opportunity cost of holding money. You see, if there are other assets readily available for inve –

SHURA: What is your problem?

SHION: I observed an interesting pattern in my two hundred forty-three years of living: Life was very precious just as I began to live. Then time passed, and you know what I found? That life became EVEN MORE precious. Now I got resurrected and am living on borrowed time, and oh boy, there is no life more precious than this. (via telepathy) Look, Dohko, I can hear them without hearing aids! And run around without a walking stick! Top THAT, you shuffling skeleton!

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): (muttering) You're gonna be so sorry for saying that.

HYOGA: (troubled) Uh, wow, I didn't know you guys liked living so much. Now, just to put you on the spot: you wouldn't really betray Athena for it, right?

SAGA: (offended) How could you ask that? What, do I look like the type of person who is terrified of Hell and its everlasting, mentally-scarring, excessive, incoherent punishment scheme that makes him question every single belief that he holds dear and prefers to live forever if Hades keeps His promise and Athena doesn't seek revenge?

APHRODITE: Absolutely not, not unless I consult my lawyer and clearly and exhaustively define "peaceful, fulfilling living as interpreted by any living, reasonable, mobile, natural person who earns more than 2 million USD after-tax income per year, has no debt and lives in present-day United States, zip code 90210"!

SHION: Nothing less than eternal youth and being the Catholic Pope can make me betray Athena, Hades! (pause) Again: "Eternal Youth," and "Being the Catholic Pope."

SEIYA: (hurriedly) Great! For the last segment of our program, please answer this exciting question! Are you ready, Team Alive?

INT. ARIES TEMPLE

MU: I'm so ready. I can't wait to see how my Crystal Wall, reflecting those idiots' own attacks, fries Saga, freezes Camus into a popsicle and grinds Shura into fine zombie dust!

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

ALDEBARAN: (forced smile) Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. Getting ready to be killed off for no reason is not easy, but I've managed.

MU: (via telepathy) What are you talking about?

ALDEBARAN: That I cherish the short time we've spent together, Mu. Thinking back, there were times of distress and despair in my life, but because you were there with me I would not change a single thing.

INT. LEO TEMPLE

AIOLIA: I guess so. Camus is a decent enough man, but I can't decide whom I hate more, Saga or Shura. Speaking of which, why isn't my brother showing up, given, you know, the Plot Twist? (tearing up) Doesn't he miss me? Why isn't he doing this? Is pretending to kill Athena too much to ask? There would have been so many dramatic opportunities!

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

SHAKA: (loading his CGI films of Horror Illusions and getting his stereo system ready) Bring it on, you miserable undead bitches! Be ready to shit your pants!

INT. SCORPIO TEMPLE

MILO: Pretty much ready. My favorite pastime is watching Camus embarrass himself, but watching him get torn apart by Shaka's sick sense of humor is pretty good, too.

SHUN: What about you, Team Dead?

EXT. SANCTUARY ENTRANCE

CAMUS: (looks up at the Sanctuary) That's a long up-hill climb. This is…what, 50 miles? And you said we have twelve hours, tops? Therefore, we'll spend at least five hours on the road, which gives us less than seven hours to strategize, go to the bathroom, rest, eat and kill at least six annoyingly powerful people. (pause) Isn't the deadline a bit tight? Can't we apply for an extension? What's the point of giving us an opportunity if there's no way we can succeed?

APHRODITE: (sighs) I hope just by trying really hard is enough to redeem my past sins. (bitterly) Which are actually identical to Shaka's, that devastatingly lucky bastard!

DEATHMASK: Screw redemption. I hope this is enough to redeem my fighting skills.

APHRODITE: In which case…oh, fuck it!

He suddenly kisses CAMUS on the lips.

APHRODITE: There. Now I'm willing to die without a good reason.

CAMUS: I've just had the strangest sensation of being alive. (pause) Which is impossible, because I'm already technically alive.

SHURA: Wait, can we even kill Athena? Don't we require some sort of special weapon to wound Her, She being an immortal and all? Did Shion give us that weapon?

SAGA: Well, we all know Shion's plan is kind of a joke. Thus, when we get there, here's what we're gonna do: convince Athena to wait for Shion to make Her Her Armor, THEN persuade Her to commit suicide to confront Hades. Via telepathy. It's gonna look like we're threatening Her when it's of course Her idea.

DEATHMASK: Then what?

SAGA: Then we hang out and chill before our time is up. Hopefully Athena didn't change the lock to the wine cellar, because I remember the key combination.

SHURA: Oh! I look forward to that. Just…don't get scared out of your wits and forget the script when you actually meet Her.

APHRODITE: Also, no need to offend Her by implying we know more than She does.

CAMUS: I know more than She does about water.

SAGA: (a long-suffering sigh) Yes, you do, Camus. Yes, you do.

SEIYA: Looks like they can't wait to start! Miss Saori, would You like to close this program for us?

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

ATHENA is furiously working on another ambitious expansion plan, this time merging HELL into Her domain.

ATHENA: (looks up) What? Right. Enjoy the show. Whatever.

END


	3. The Three Stooges

SAINT SEIYA: SATAN, CHAPTER – WRETCHES AND FREAKS

EXT. ARIES TEMPLE

A MYSTERIOUS PERSON, NOT a RINGWRAITH or DEMENTOR, climbs up the stairs to face ARIES MU, who was just dozing off.

MU: (suddenly politely and cheerily) Welcome to the Sanctuary. You are currently at the gate of the Aries Temple. We are presently closed at the moment, but if you are interested in a tour, please note that our office hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., Mondays through Thursdays –

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: Mu…

MU: I'm sorry, but this is the company's policy. We do not admit visitors after office hours and reserve the right to remove you in the event that the guest does not honor our request immediately. We apologize for this inconvenience and any physical and/or psychological discomfort in advance, and wish you to know that we look forward to seeing you again.

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: (annoyed) Mu, it's me.

MU: …Master? Oh shit, you came back from the dead. How did you do that? Heh heh, don't answer that question. Must have been some really nasty business. So how are you doing, Master? I haven't seen you since…since your death, actually. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh boy, that was great stuff. And why are you wearing this cloak thing even though no one cares about how you look?

SHION: Mu, what happened to the Sanctuary? And where's Kiki?

MU: (chuckles) Athena took over, that's what happened, which is great. We are now actually generating some revenue at the expense of sacredness, which none of us really gives a damn, really. Improves food quality, you know. As for the second question…Eh, Kiki who? Oh, the little nightmare? I sent him to Camp Grenada. Hey, no worries; he reacted pretty well, if you must know. He just kept sending me pictures of bears invading camp site and the poison ivy rash his friends had developed, complete with the grateful caption saying "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME". Last time he said his bunkmate had malaria, then I haven't heard from him ever since. I figured he must be doing too great to even miss me.

SHION: (distractedly) Oh. Well, can we borrow the men's room, if you don't mind?

MU: Oh no, not at all. Just turn right at that statue and walk ahead. It's the one with the blue door; you can't miss it. Wow, you must be quite well-off. Are these your menservants?

APHRODITE (CLOAKED): (clears throat) Actually, we are _not_—

DEATHMASK (CLOAKED): We are not his menservants! We are his _brothers-in-arms_, united with the sole purpose of having some fun with cosmoses and homicides –

APHRODITE (CLOAKED): (elbows Deathmask) We are his COMRADES! The Protectors of Good! The Guardians of Truth! The Tragic, Misunderstood Heroes of Great Justice! The –

SHION: Quiet, my sidekicks! Mu, you see, I'm too awesome to have menservants. And if you don't mind…

MU: Oh sure, no problem. Just flush the toilet on your way out.

SHION: (distracted) Right…

Suddenly, MU senses a shitload of EVIL SPECTERS.

MU: But the restroom only has four stalls!

SHION: Crap. Let's turn to Plan B. (changes stance) Mu, I want you to bring your boss' head to me within the next 12 hours, just because I'm totally evil. (pause) ACTUALLY, I AM SO EVIL, I'M GOING TO ASK MY BELOVED STUDENT TO MURDER HIS BOSS, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE WILL NEVER DO IT!

MU: What?

APHRODITE (CLOAKED): ALSO, SINCE WE ARE EVIL, WE WILL VIOLENTLY FORCE OUR WAY IN, DESPITE KNOWING THAT MU WILL HEROICALLY FIGHT US TO DEATH, BECAUSE WE ARE EVIL TO THE 18TH POWER!

DEATHMASK (CLOAKED): AND I DEFINITELY SEEM TO ENJOY IT!

MU: What the hell? Why are you all shouting?

SHION: HA HA, I APOLOGIZE. MY STUDENT IS A MORON; HE'S UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT WE ARE ONLY MASQUERADING AS EVIL PEOPLE WITH THE ACTUAL INTENTION TO FOOL YOU GUYS AND TO ACQUIRE ATHENA'S BLOOD TO ULTIMATELY SAVE HER AND BY EXTENSION DESTROY HADES! WHAT A COCKLOAD OF TOTAL NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT!

APHRODITE (CLOAKED): YEAH! BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANY ALTERNATIVE, OR LIKE SHION COULD CONFIDE THIS SECRET TO MU VIA TELEPATHY! EVIL IS GOOD! EVIL IS BAD-ASS! THREE CHEERS FOR EVILNESS!

DEATHMASK (CLOAKED): AND MAY I KILL HIM NOW?

SHION: OF COURSE YOU CAN, BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE DONE! FOR OUR LORD HADES! LONG LIVE HADES! AND ALL OF HIS MINIONS! HOORAAAH!

MU: What the fuck? Killing me has no bearing whatsoever on—

SHION: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! HE'S DELUSIONAL! AND STUPID! YES, STUPID! BUT NOT EVIL! EVIL IS ME! I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT!

APHRODITE: (tearing off his disguise) Just wondering, though, why do our planned deaths have anything to do with your ultimate objective?

SHION: WHAT? OF COURSE NOTHING! I TOLD YOU I'M EVIL!

DEATHMASK: (tearing off his disguise) Er…

MU: Hey, I recognize you…you are that psycho guy and you are that chick from the Pisces Temple!

APHRODITE: Uh, for your information, I'm male.

MU: Ha ha, that's a good one.

APHRODITE: No no no, I'm really –

Suddenly, THE TITLE CHARACTER ARRIVES WITH COMET PUNCHES AND CHEESY THEME MUSIC!

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's warriors – Saints!

DEATHMASK: Well of course you are, jackass. It will be pointless to show up at all if you weren't.

They begin to beat each other senseless. DEATHMASK fights and cackles evilly, while APHRODITE stays back, completely bored out of his mind.

DEATHMASK: I WILL KILL YOU, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT STRICTLY NECESSARY!

SHION: Keep it down, Deathmask. (to Aphrodite) May I interest you with a game of chess? I always bring those board games around, since it's really hard to keep one busy in this series.

APHRODITE: My honor, Sir!

Stuff HAPPENS and people SING in the background. Eventually, SEIYA falls to his knees and MU sends him to another dimension.

APHRODITE: Are you done?

DEATHMASK: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Seiya.

APHRODITE: Does it mean we have to die now? I mean, force our way through the temple?

MU: Absolutely not! I will now kill you, because you two are a disgrace to the Gold Saints, by failing to resist the temptation of resurrection and betraying the Goddess who created you!

APHRODITE: Bah, you make it sound so easy, because you have _no idea_ what it's like! Have you ever imagined hell? Ever truly, seriously considered the meaning of everlasting punishment? When you die, your soul will arrive at this horrible place where there is no hope, no life, no nothing! You will choke, scream, burn, and cry in anguish for an eternity, and will it ever matter to you if you lived for one more year, or ten, or a hundred? If you were a coward or a hero, a king or a beggar? No, you'll only think: God, make it stop.

MU: That was quite a mouthful. I bet your clients were pleased, you whore of a eunuch.

APHRODITE: Hey numbnuts, I already TOLD you, I have TESTICLES, and they are RIGHT HERE!

MU: Whatever, whore.

He blasts them into OBLIVION.

SAGA (CLOAKED):(appears out of nowhere) I don't get it, Sir; weren't you going to do something about it? You just wasted two perfectly capable henchmen for no reason.

SHION: Weren't you going to watch our van?

SHURA (CLOAKED): Oh, he had to get out and pee.

CAMUS (CLOAKED): There's no time for jokes! We must act, quickly! (pause) To kill Mu, because we are still EVIL! How could we have forgotten that and spent time on fancy introductions? (pause) The ice thing was really nice, though, don't you think?

MU: Oh, shit.

Outnumbered and outcosmoed, MU is soon defeated. The prevailing party begins to exert TEN MINUTES OF PRISONER ABUSE on him, because it is DRAMATIC.

SHION: Whoa, my sidekicks! Leave the finishing work up to me. (pause) ALL RIGHT, GET ATHENA'S HEAD NOW. I WANT TO HAVE HER BRAINS FOR DINNER. WITH HER SPLEEN AS A SIDE DISH. AND HER LIVER WILL TASTE LIKE MEATLOAF! (pause) BUT BE SURE TO PRESERVE HER KIDNEYS TO SATISFY BLACK MARKET DEMAND!

The TRIO visibly flinch at this, but then nod and run off. SHION walks up to MU in the fashion of a classic spy-movie cliché.

MU: Is this strictly necessary?

SHION: Not only is it necessary, but it is also not sufficient.

Suddenly, YODA intervenes.

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): You awful piece of shit.

SHION: Speak for yourself, you cocksucking cockbite.

MU: Roshi! You just travelled all the way from China to Greece in the space of seconds! (pause) How was it possible? Was there a portal at the bottom of the waterfall or something?

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): Not really, mostly just some fabrics of distorted space times. Now, be off, Mu, time is running out and you must catch up with the Trio and have yourself murdered by them before they do something terribly stupid. (mutters) And also since I've yet to kill this old bastard.

MU hesitates.

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION) (CONT'D): Come on now, do you really expect to escape some eternal damnation if you forsake your Gold Saint duties?

MU agonizes before running off.


	4. Confessions of an Antichrist

SUDDEN FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

MU: Jeeze, I wonder what the hell is going on here?

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. SOME PALACE

PANDORA is playing the HARP, and then actually displays some signs of semi-intelligence to some guy who clearly doesn't have any.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. KIDO MANSION

SHUN is dreaming of his BROTHER tending his CUTESY baby self.

LITTLE IKKI: (singing to Baby Shun)

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,

Bro's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

And if that mockingbird don't sing,

Bro's gonna buy you a diamond ring.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,

Bro's gonna…

LITTLE PANDORA: Kick your sweet little ass.

SHUN: AHHHHHHHHH!

SHUN starts and wakes up!

SHUN (CONT'D): That dream sequence must have some plot significance. I'm sure of it. And so is this bizarre Satanic necklace thingy that is in my possession but wasn't referenced to in any way previously.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

MU: Wow, that was some incoherent weird shit that doesn't explain anything. Well, if all else fails, at least my pal Aldebaran is normal and alive.

He comes across TAURUS ALDEBARAN, who is seemingly standing in an odd position.

MU: Thank God I found you, Aldebaran! You know, I almost thought that—

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

Some guy is ranting.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

MU: Well, as I was saying—

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. ATHENA'S PLACE

ATHENA walks around, showing off Her flowery dresses and being PRETTY.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

MU: AS I WAS SAYING, I thought that you too were – (touches Aldebaran's cloth, then jumps up and gasps) This…this isn't true!

NYOBE: Oh, it is!

He totally shatters, Goddamn it, ALDEBARAN'S ARMOR.

MU: ALDEBARAN! NOOOO! (pause) You…you fucked up my friend. My best friend! It's _payback_ time, asshole!

FLASH CUT…

MU: WILL YOU QUIT IT, CRAZY SCENE EDITOR? Why would anyone care about anything else let alone that random wing-person at this heartbreaking point—

TO:

EXT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

APHRODITE: Aren't we supposedly dead? Why the hell are we here, on the land of the living?

They start to battle their way in, until everyone around them drops dead. APHRODITE looks around.

APHRODITE: As much as I hate to admit it, Deathmask, you've earned my grudging respect as the most murderous nutball in this comically sadistic series.

DEATHMASK: I'm flattered, especially since I thought we won because those guys were staring at your tits or, to be more precise, the lack thereof.

RHADAMANTHYS: What tits?

DEATHMASK: So you see, buddy, this so-called "man" is this—

APHRODITE: WAIT, EXPLAIN WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING HERE!

RHADAMANTHYS: I'm Rahdamanthys, one of the three Judges of Hell.

DEATHMASK: (pause) Hades actually specifically hired people to determine how to torture other people?

RHADAMANTHYS: Shut up.

DEATHMASK: No, I mean, seriously, consider it, if you are going to torture those people for an infinite period of time anyway, why the hell will the means of torture ever matter? What use does it have? I mean, infinite torture is already the worst form of torture, so why would this Hades guy, who sounds like a real douche, go through all this trouble to put someone who looks as dumb as you do in charge of something so pointless?

APHRODITE: Or, you know, at least utilize a magical program that automatically determines this to minimize measuring errors. Really, for all practical purposes your fancy title sounds like something that was designed just to sound good and it makes as much as sense as "Supreme Picnic Organizer of Hell."

RHADAMANTHYS: Yeah, well, I'm gonna throw you two into abyss, back to the room where we torture rabid movie fans.

DEATHMASK: What? No, not that place! I'm SICK of watching _Wild Wild West_ and _House of the Dead_ over and over!

APHRODITE: Please, do you want to watch us attacking ourselves with our own attacks? I'd do that! I'd even dig my skull out with black roses then hit myself with it! Oh honestly now, don't you get physically sick over the thought of someone watching _Bratz _or _Transformers 2?_

RHADAMANTHYS: No. DIE!

He throws them off the cliff and they DIE for the 100th time, because this JUDGE is actually just some guy from the HUMAN RESOURCE DEPARTMENT.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

MU: I'm not saying anything until I'm certain the camera is stabilized. (pause) It is? Oh great, now I can murder this fucktard.

NYOBE: As if you could!

MU: No, not you, the _other_ fucktard, the one that killed off Aldebaran for no reason then gave him the shortest mourning sequence possible just because he wasn't good-looking enough! As for you, I will just walk off, because Aldebaran has already killed you.

He walks out on NYOBE, who promptly breaks into little pieces. The shortest, simplest, least graphically complicated mourning sequence without ATHENA SHEDDING SOME PRECIOUS GODDESS TEARS commences.

MU: I hate this production so much.

He climbs up the stairs instead of teleporting right next to a temple.

INT. GEMINI TEMPLE

SAGA: Phew, at least we are away from that crazy old crackhead. (pause) Oh look, it's Kanon in shiny Gold armor. Finally got out of another messy war crime trial, didn't we?

KANON: Couldn't have done that without my twin brother being so evil that the very fact we share the same genes convinced the jury that I don't have any free choice over committing atrocities.

SAGA: Ha ha. Did I tell you that I happen to hate you? Because I do.

KANON: Don't you worry, brother mine. I hate you, too, so we are pretty even.

SAGA: (to Shura and Camus) You two go ahead of me. I've got some matters of real importance to deal with. With any luck I'd be able to parade this little shit's inner contents around the Sanctuary in the next two hours or so.

SHURA: Well, I certainly don't need another guy to boss me around, so I guess this is goodbye. (brightens up) Goodbye, Saga.

CAMUS: (brightly) Have a good fight, Saga. Try not to break anything valuable.

They run off again, chuckling all the way through.

INT. ATHENA'S PLACE

SCORPIO MILO is asking some idiotic questions.

MILO: Athena, is everything normal?

ATHENA: Yes. I mean, sure, Hades is launching another round of assaults, My head is on My ex-employee's meal menu, and one of you guys out there is dead. Surely you know this via telepathy and of course none of this seems off to you. ARE YOU REALLY THIS STUPID? DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS WILL AFFECT OUR BUSINESS? DID YOU EVEN READ THE MEMO, SHITHEAD?

MILO: I'm sorry! I was just sort of distracted by the callous disregard for this company's workers' AD&D pla—

ATHENA: Are you questioning My judgment and what I actually care about, Scorpio?

MILO: I daren't! I –

His explanation is cut short when SAGA suddenly shoots a PLASMA BALL, or something to that effect, straight at the REAL KANON that's hiding at ATHENA'S PLACE.

KANON: Well, at least you can't have my organs!

MILO: (runs into him) Then I will!

He plays GOD and punishes him for his past sins, complete with comprehensive explanations as to how he is punished and why he is punished.

MILO (CONT'D): And that was for bypassing the HR hiring process and not respecting the free market!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AND EXT. ALL SORTS OF PLACES

SHIRYU, SHUN and HYOGA exert excessive force on a bunch of random people, which is FUN TO WATCH because it is EASY and the murderers have no feelings about it whatsoever.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. ATHENA'S PLACE

MILO: Are you ready to die and have your organs harvested, you pretentiously born-again socialist scum?

KANON: I…I will not fall. You can kill me now, Milo, because I don't totally plan on dying on Athena now!

MILO: (pause) This person is insane. Maybe I shouldn't hold him accountable for his past sins, then.

He reverses his attacks and walks off, with dignity and dignified by his Gold-Saint-y actions, and ignores that his skit might have prevented KANON from trapping the TRIO in the LABYRINTH and hence helped the TRIO pass, which they DO.

SHURA: So, Saga, how did it go?

SAGA: Sucked. Like most writings on metaphysics – confusing and pointless.


	5. The Ancient Hacks

They climb the CGI STAIRS again and the camera follows them, as we are suddenly expected to root for the TRIO now. Eventually, they enter the CANCER TEMPLE that has hilariously become the FAKE DEATH ENTRANCE.

EXT. FAKE HELL ENTRANCE

SHURA: Awwww, these wailing ghosts are a nice touch, even though I don't really like watching the same ghost falling over the cliff for over three times in less than a minute. Despite the tight budget, this illusion is clearly a labor of love.

CAMUS: And so is the ice of Hell! So… (taps the ground) Authentic but unreal at the same time! In the sense that the bonds are completely different from those of the water molecules from the realm of the living. Oh, I wish I could have a piece of this. Too bad it's just an illusion.

SAGA: I like the landscape design. Those pits certainly do have a certain feel to them that creates a believable sense of depth. This is, dare I say, almost close to the real thing, which we just experienced barely five hours ago! Remarkable!

A bunch of ZOMBIES suddenly pop out and try to bury them alive, as if someone is PISSED at the TRIO.

SAGA: Surely, the only son of a bitch in the Sanctuary who is sick enough to create this sick illusion will be—

SHURA: THE EMO AIOLIA! NOOOOOOO!

CAMUS: AIEEEE! DEAD PEOPLE TRAPPED BETWEEN THE TWO DIMENSIONS! THEY SMELL AWFUL, LIKE UNTREATED SEWAGE!

SAGA: Don't rationalize illusions! This is just an illusion!

He is suddenly bit by a ZOMBIE.

SAGA: (wetting his pants) Ow! That hurt! (pause) And…looks INFECTIOUS, too! (pause) Okay, although I had fun laughing at you, this is really too much. GALAXIAN EXPLOSION!

He dispels the ILLUSION.

SHURA: Impressive, dumbass, so why didn't you do it earlier?

SAGA: Well, I'd like to see YOU try it!

CAMUS: …and thus concludes my last contact with perceived ice. How very depressing.

EXT. SANCTUARY

SHIRYU arrives, only to be beaten up by IKKI, who has apparently forgotten to take his PROZAC medications.

IKKI: (hitting Shiryu) Why do you fight? Why why why why why why?

SHIRYU: Well, why not why not why not why not why not why not?

IKKI: This is boring. I'm leaving, which I hope you find suspenseful and exciting for this anime.

SHIRYU: Nah, most of the audience has figured out that you are a pretentious douchebag by now. You will just show up at the last minute when Shun needs his ass saved again.

INT. CANCER TEMPLE

SHURA: (after running for hours) Wait; this can't be the real Cancer Temple! The real one has those death masks that Deathmask was very proud of!

Their environment suddenly transforms into a BUDDHA'S HAND.

SAGA: Smooth, Shaka, real smooth. Because now I totally know where to project my Plasma Ball. GALAXIAN EXPLOSION, SUCKER!

It hits the VIRGO TEMPLE.

SHAKA: Damn, I was certain that no one would be immoral enough to hurt a Buddha's image.

SAGA: Not everyone shares your religion, Shaka!

SHAKA: And you are stupid fuckers for it!

He creates more and more illusions, all from the back of his twisted imagination.

SHURA: (sighs) We are in _Sanitarium_ now? This anime is getting less and less original with every passing second.

SAGA: Give Shaka some credit, Shura. I do believe that Shaka did come up with some of this stuff on his own – at least, from what I can tell, it does actually reflect his personality and childhood.

SHURA: While _I_ do believe that I told you many, many times that I have no interest in your philosophy of mind! The mind is ultimately private, and you MAY NOT know what's going on in another's mind simply because _you_ are not _him!_

SAGA: That's just arguing from a false Dualist premise! The mind of course is _public_, because it is physical, and it's a category mistake to talk about it as if it's a real thing, because it is –

SHAKA: (seeking attention) Shadowed truth is buried by whiskey juice, where there's a living cow with a broken skull, and soil glass rules.

SAGA: Huh?

SHAKA: Love and hate are the same; insofar they near the same name and dame, then he came, from the dark shame of flame of fame and lame.

CAMUS: Let's see… uh…er…um…Okay, I can do this… Jack Fiber wears fiber jacket, before discovering Mary-Louie is really Terry-Chewie?

SHAKA: (pause) Smoke and ample don't make smashed potatoes pineapple, because a mole isn't a hole, and null an eye ball, see the bull, and pull.

SAGA: What the hell was that?

SHURA: I think he meant we are dead.

SHAKA: TADA!

He crushes the CANCER TEMPLE, seemingly vanquishing the TRIO that we've been following all along.

EXT. ARIES TEMPLE

SHION: (just finishing up another chess game when he sees the smoke) That was…upsetting.

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): Soon your life will too come to an end, and you shall die by my hand.

They POSE in a picture that is radically disproportional.

SHION: That's funny, Dohko. What justifies any chance of you defeating ME, the overpowered evil maniac renewed with a new evil life?

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): Uh…I have the power to make things sound more important than they really are.

SHION: Then you must die. I have the power of contradicting myself so much that I will eradicate any remaining shreds of your rational consciousness! NEURON REVOLUTION!

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): GAAAAA…OH GOD, HE IS RIGHT AND HE'S ALWAYS LYING…AHH…A TRIANGLE HAS FOUR SIDES…AHHH…SHION TOTALLY WANTS TO DESTROY ME AND TOTALLY WANTS TO SAVE ME…HOLY SHIT, THIS IS TERRIBLE!

SHIRYU feels DOHKO'S distress, and arrives to save the day!

SHIRYU: (being promptly hurled into the air by Dohko) I know you've all been telling me to stay away, but THIS is ridiculous!

SHION: WHAT? THERE ARE TWO OF YOU? GREAT, I WILL JUST MURDER THEN HARVEST ORGANS FROM WHOEVER STANDS IN MY PATH! HAR HAR HAR! Oh man, I'm so evil.

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): Why the fuck are you doing this?

SHION: Uhhh…because I'm evil? DEFINITELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MY ACTUAL INTENTIONS, THOUGH.

DOHKO tries to attack him, and SHION shrieks temporarily before suddenly pretending that never happened.

SHIRYU: That was weird…

SHION unleashes an attack that is claimed to suck people into the BLACK HOLE, whereas in this case it only causes DOHKO to fly around and land on the ground slightly.

SHIRYU: That was weird, too…

SHION: STEP ASIDE, YOU LITTLE FUCK! DOHKO'S BRAIN IS MINE!

He throws SHIRYU aside, and lifts up DOHKO'S HEAD. SHIRYU then dresses up and poses, and as he does this, SHION is suddenly very far from DOHKO.

SHIRYU: Wait…are we in some sort of illusion, too?

DOHKO (OLDER VERSION): Maybe, since you and I are also suddenly being unreasonably mushy.

SHION: I WILL PUT AN END TO YOU, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I SAID A DOZEN TIMES ALREADY!

He FAILS.

SHION: THIS TIME I WILL REALLY, REALLY PUT AN END TO YOU!

He FAILS again.

SHION: All right, this is really annoying. THIS TIME I WILL TOTALLY PUT AN END TO YOU, AND IT WILL BE THE FIRST THING I'LL DO IF I DON'T DO IT THIS TIME!

Then DOHKO (OLDER VERSION) abruptly begins to break his purple skin and GROW, halting SHION, who is either too curious or incompetent, in his attack.

SHION: This is…this isn't happening. This is really horrible. This is going to haunt my nightmares forever!

Right before his eyes, DOHKO (OLDER VERSION) gets an upgrade and is naked when he does so.

SHION: Oh…oh shit. OH SHIT! Damn you, Dohko! Damn you for making me think of YOU and BABIES AT THE SAME TIME! THIS IS SO DISGUSTING! I'M NEVER GOING TO REPRODUCE EVER AGAIN!

SHIRYU: What is happening to Roshi's body?

SHION: That's the dumbest question I've ever heard! He became a MUTANT, that's what happened!

DOHKO 2.0: No, I didn't! I just grew younger against the flow of time!

SHION: How exactly does that differ with becoming a MUTANT, creep?

DOHKO 2.0: The fact that I have this privilege of aging very slowly because I keep the Specters at bay makes _everything_ different!

SHION: No, it does not! It just means that you are DESTINED to be a MUTANT! (pause) And this is grossly unjust, too. Why didn't _I_ get this privilege, especially considering that you obviously flunked your job?

DOHKO 2.0: Uh…Shiryu, remember I said something about dying together? You can forget all about it now, and go catch up with Mu.

He then teaches SHIRYU a technique he never taught him before, so that SHIRYU can learn as little about it as possible. SHIRYU is subsequently conveniently pushed out to the GREAT SAFETY.

SHION: Now it's just the two of us, numbnuts. I WILL USE MY COSMO TO ATTACK YOU UNTIL MY COSMO IS DEPLETED, THEN I WILL USE YOUR COSMO TO ATTACK YOU UNTIL YOUR COSMO IS DEPLETED, THEN I WILL PULL OUT YOUR TEETH THEN BITE YOU WITH THEM!

DOHKO 2.0: Yet _I_ possess a weapon that is more terrible than you can ever conceive of and completely beyond your capacity for imagination!

SHION: Bah! What is it, a moderately enhanced version of Shiryu's lame-ass Rozan Sho Ryu Ha?

DOHKO 2.0: It is…Civilization.

He begins to project ENERGY BOLTS to try to SUCK OUT SHION'S INDIVIDUALITY AND TO REDUCE HIM INTO A MINDLESS CONFORMIST MEMBER OF THE BUSINESS CULTURE!

DOHKO 2.0 (CONT'D): VERTICAL INTEGRATION! GLOBALIZATION! NETWORK EFFECTS! CORPORATE STRATEGY! CAPITALISM! BIG DATA! AUTHENTICITY! VALUE-ADDED! AND OF COURSE – Synergies.

SHION: No! Not _Synergies! _(pause) My brain! It's crawling out of my ears! My eyes! I'm blind now! (pause) But you haven't defeated me yet, Dohko! For _I_ will increase my power ten-fold and reduce YOU into nothing but a pathetic creature that blindly follows the self-contradictory direction of the Creator who pretends you don't exist!

The two EVILS OF EVIL crash into each other and EXPLODE. DOHKO'S and SHION'S COSMOS vanish, and so does a third of the ARIES TEMPLE.

EXT. STAIRWAY TO CANCER TEMPLE

MU: Wait; if Master didn't really need to fight Roshi, then they created a big hole on my land for no reason.


	6. Anything Goes!

Mu enters the CANCER TEMPLE, then is suddenly held captive by some UGLY, WEIRD, AND/OR FAT/SKINNY PEOPLE.

SPECTERS: It's so easy to tell who the bad guys are in this series.

MU: Wow, you were hiding at the Cancer Temple and yet you somehow managed to survive Shaka's attempt that crushed the Trio?

SPECTERS: Don't you know that characters are _always_ excessively powerful at the time of their first appearance then are exponentially weakened as a function of time?

MU: (wistfully) Yeah, it reminds me of a time when we GOLD SAINTS were all-powerful. Now we kill each other exactly the way we kill stupid Bronze Saints. They just don't make us like they used to anymore.

Suddenly, THE TITLE CHARACTER ARRIVES AGAIN WITH COMET PUNCHES AND CHEESY THEME MUSIC!

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's warriors – Saints!

SPECTER LEADER: Oh, like that _means_ something.

MU: (from his disadvantaged position) Uh, Seiya, please remember that I suggested that I would lose my job if you continue… (pause) Oh well. If you want to die gruesomely, who am I to say no to such temptation?

SEIYA: So you won't randomly banish me from now on?

MU: Nope. This place is doomed at any rate.

The SPECTERS leave THE SPECTER, the most terrifying foe of them all, who just happens to be a BUTTERFLY, to deal with them, so that the most POWERFUL SPECTRE among them is gone and the likelihood of them successfully passing the twelve temples is reduced by twenty percent.

EXT. ARIES TEMPLE EXTERIOR

HYOGA: Wow, this is some big hole. And why are we even inspecting this, when our comrades are supposedly being killed?

SHUN: Did you see that rare insect that was mutated by those sparks of cosmos?

INT. CANCER TEMPLE

MYO is torturing SEIYA while MU watches quietly.

SEIYA: I absolutely refuse to die!

He DOESN'T. Impressed, or just possessed by the plot driven CREATOR, MYO lets him go, a proposal SEIYA eagerly accepts.

MU: Whoa, you just committed the mistake billions of losers made before you.

MYO: Look, he WAS kind of annoying. And plus there's no way you can single-handedly defeat me, because the only way to defeat me is to somehow trap my fairies.

MU defeats him by trapping his fairies.

MYO: Somehow I'm utterly unprepared for this! (falls)

MU: Uh, you actually die?

MYO: (dying) Because we are real people. And I wasn't always a giant blob, just like Kafka's Gregor Samsa. This mentioning is useless, though, because it doesn't create any bit of moral ambiguity that it should.

MU: And somehow your boss, He who is the God of the Underworld, He who should be evil as hell, He who has complete control over anyone's living and death and has the power rivaling Zeus', has somehow neglected to provide you with any way to cheat death and be immortal, yet always grants that power to His nemesis – Athena's Special Immortal Unit? What a complete moron.

EXT. CANCER TEMPLE EXIT

SEIYA succumbs to MYO'S poisoning. After some monologs (as usual) and ATHENA'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION (as usual), he wakes up to the rest of his UNIT (minus IKKI, as usual).

SHUN: You poor asshole, you got a head start and ran far ahead, yet you needed US to wake you up.

SHIRYU: It would really have said something in favor of your disputed status as a person with a normal amount of intellect and cosmo had you actually arrived at the Leo Temple before us, but sadly, that didn't happen.

HYOGA: We were so ashamed that you and we were born on the same planet, we decided to ditch our usual habit of abandoning doomed comrades to save time and instead to observe your humiliation when you woke up.

SEIYA: Really? Then you must have been even stupider, because you completely missed out recruiting Mu whom you must have met if you've been here for over a minute.

EXT. STAIRWAY TO LEO TEMPLE

MU: (missing out on the Bronze Saints) How the hell did that happen?

EXT. CANCER TEMPLE EXIT

SHUN: (sighing) We were told that we had to remain as a single entity, to minimize our screen time. Apparently girly Gold Saints that look like Sailor Senshi are all the rage now.

INT. LEO TEMPLE

LEO AIOLIA is auditioning via a video conference.

AIOLIA: (singing) So he chose silence  
Flying around, leaving me feeling used  
Though is at Seiya's beck and call  
I never expected to lose

Don't cry for him, Aiolia

The truth is he had long left you

It's all a child play

My sad existence

He made his exit

Forgotten presence

INTERVIEWER: I've never seen anyone liking performing arts so much and being so bad at it.

AIOLIA: I was singing my heart out, you jerk! (hangs up, to self) One season more, just one season more.

He walks outside, only to discover that he's been OUTNUMBERED.

AIOLIA: Oh for Gods' sake, when will this parade of soul-crushing humiliations end?

SPECTER LEADER: Dude, even this early you can see that it would actually be SURPRISING if we can survive past the next temple. We are fucking embarrassments to our ancestors, relax.

AIOLIA: But doesn't the fact that I'm a copy of Pegasus Seiya even out the odds?

Presently, he experiences some SLOW MO SEQUENCE.

MASKED SPECTER #2: Hey, What's-His-Name, I think this outfit makes you look fat and old.

MASKED SPECTER #1: That's because I'm wearing in LAYERS, dickhead. And ewww, he spit with his helmet on!

MASKED SPECTER #2: Well, thanks to your brilliant idea, genius. Remind me again of the point of this.

AIOLIA: What the…? Those voices make me so nostalgic, and by nostalgic, I mean feeling a vague sense of dread and a sharp sense of nausea.

He is then swiftly restrained by RAIMI, again someone who would have benefited the SPECTERS' CHANCES had they STUCK TOGETHER.

AIOLIA: Oh no, cables! My only weakness!

RAIMI: How do you like that, huh? That being tied up in such a mortifying way?

The SPECTERS pass over AIOLIA, causing him to fail his employment contract with ATHENA. He then kills RAIMI, makes one wonder why he didn't do so when the SPECTERS passed him, and gets stuck with the NEWBIE UNIT.

AIOLIA: Gods, why do you hate me?

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

The SPECTERS walk into view, which in this case is a giant ILLUSION TRAP.

SHAKA: Infidels, do you believe in my God?

SPECTERS: What?

SHAKA: Do you believe in my God?

SPECTERS: Uh…no?

SHAKA: The independence of irrelevant alternatives, the sub-dimensional nature of infinite loops, the non-Newtonian understanding of transferable happiness. Such is the expansion of the vortex of adequacy. Such is the river of drastic arbitrages. Such, is the wrath of Certainty.

SPECTERS: (embarrassing everyone) Oh, oh God.

SHAKA: The Truth, although he died in the semantics of Halo, had been reincarnated in the interwoven womb of Steve Jobs.

SPECTERS: No! NO!

SHAKA: Now you have heard the Truth, I'm going to introduce you to the Love and Justice on Earth.

SPECTERS: But we WERE introduced to it! We…

SHAKA: So I will kill you!

SPECTERS: (pause) The last bit totally does not make any sense.

SHAKA: Before you die, I'd like to show you my rosary, where every pearl changes color corresponding to every one of your death.

SPECTERS: You should have got a refund from that seller.

SHAKA: It shows that eleven of you have died.

SPECTERS: We are only aware of eight deaths.

SHAKA: But ultimately this does not matter.

SPECTERS: So why did you even go there?

SHAKA: BECAUSE ALL OF PEARLS WILL BE DARK GRAY! TONIGHT!

SPECTER LEADER: Er, you DO know that, even with a quick glance at us, our number does not even amount to FIFTEEN? Let alone the fact that the famous Specter judges, obviously, are NOT here? How did you pass the math section in your Sainthood bar exam, anyway?

MASKED SPECTER #3: Uh, I don't think there was one.

SHAKA: Say what?!

MASKED SPECTER #3: I mean, do you know that toilet water is in fact cleaner than ice cubes from fast-food restaurants? _It's true!_

SHAKA: I…I see.

He attempts to kill them, by doing an over-dramatic load of AWFUL SPECIAL EFFECTS.

SPECTER LEADER: (suffering) I don't believe this. I'm actually watching a B horror movie from the 30's! NOOOOOOOOO!

OTHER SPECTERS: (suffering) This is not a B-movie! This is a Z-MOVIE! AIEEEEE!

SHAKA: (suffering, though not for the same reason)Damn you! I spent countless nights making this!

SPECTERS: Help! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! JOHN CARPENTER, ILM, ANYONE! HELP!

They, including SHAKA, all begin to act hysterically. That is, until SOMEONE steps up and again dispels the illusion.

SHAKA: Plasma balls are getting OLD.

MASKED SPECTER #1: Well, you sucked so bad. You didn't even know we would be here. Now out of my way!

SHAKA: Over my dead body!

MASKED SPECTER #3: That's the plan!

They charge up their most powerful attacks!

MASKED SPECTER #2: The Athena-approved version of the deadliest of all chainsaws – EXCALIBUR!

MASKED SPECTER #3: Fly my pretties – DIAMOND DUST! (pause) Next time is your turn, the actually much more powerful Aurora Execution.

MASKED SPECTER #1: (glares at #3 before turning to Shaka) And of course, the technique that will surely kick your ass into the next dimension – GALAXIAN EXPLOSION!

They all hit SHAKA at the same time! When it ends, SHAKA emerges as if nothing happened!

SHAKA: (wiping away a small drop of blood) Phew, that wasn't so bad.

MASKED SPECTER #1: (bitterly) Thank you. You just set being other Gold Saints back a hundred years or so.

SHAKA: Then let me see your tortured facial expressions!

He breaks off their SPLICES, thus revealing the TRIO'S tortured expressions.

SHURA: I hate you.

SHAKA: (giggling) I know. Here, let me take a picture while I'm at it.

He does this with his cell phone.

SHAKA (CONT'D): Lovely. I will post this on all the social networking websites that I have an account with. I wonder how long it will take before someone photoshops it?

CAMUS: I really, really want to hurt you right now.

EXT. LEO TEMPLE EXIT

AIOLIA is sulking.

SEIYA: Why aren't we going anywhere?

AIOLIA: What, so that YOU can follow me around? No way. We'd look ridiculous side by side. It's an affirmation of how far heroic types have fallen from fanfare.

SHIRYU: He's asking, why don't you prevent the upcoming death of Shaka?

AIOLIA: Uh…because he wants to die, even though it might be for all the wrong reasons? I never liked him, anyway.

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

SHAKA: Um, I wanted death? Okay fine, whatever. Doesn't matter for a Zen Buddhist.

He kills the rest of the SPECTERS.

SHAKA: Just before you die, I'm going to fill you with despair by forcing my own religious views down your throats! This, however, in no way implies that I'm a raging asshole.

SPECTERS: What? That the God we are forced to serve is unbelievably stupid? Thank you so much for taunting us with what is common knowledge, fucker. (die)

After some inane conversation that serves absolutely no purpose nor makes any sense from any character's perspective, SHAKA leads the TRIO into his PRIVATE GARDEN.

EXT. TWIN SALA GARDEN

CAMUS: I didn't know you liked fluffy stuff that has an uncomfortable edge to it.

SHAKA: I've seen everything. From the beginning, to the end. From the birth of life, to the humanity's final chapter.

SAGA: Then why on earth was your construction of hell so embarrassingly lame?

They FIGHT, while the TRIO takes turns to beat SHAKA.

SHAKA: Oh no! By facing off the three ex-Gold Saints, I will die sooner or later! How tragic!

SHURA: Well, congratulations, because that's exactly what everyone said you wanted! For. Five. Fucking. Times.

They fight some more, until SHAKA suddenly begins to systematically strip them of their sense because the TRIO assume that spontaneous stasis is an option.

SHAKA: Now that you have aided me with your stupidity, the only way to defeat me is to use the attack that is explicitly banned against any Gold Saints – ATHENA'S EAR-DRUM-BREAKING SCREECH, or whatever the hell that thing is called!

SAGA: Uh, Shaka, so you want to die, and to do so, you deliberately trapped us into a condition where there is only one option available to us, which is to violate some randomly selected doctrine, so that you can thoroughly shatter our reputation and self-esteem, not to mention severely handicapping us in the process?

SHAKA: Exactly.

CAMUS: All the while there are other perfectly acceptable ways for you to die and accomplish your goal?

SHAKA: Yep.

SHURA: So to summarize, of all possible paths, you are forcing us to kill you in the way with the worst moral and physical consequences, most likely merely because you are sadistic and enjoy torturing us, even if the torture acts AGAINST your overarching goal of helping Athena die?

SHAKA: And to totally contradict myself and ruin my said goal, I will attempt to eliminate you as well as the hope of getting Athena's cloth anyway!

SHAKA attempts to kill SAGA, but SAGA kills him first.

SAGA: Oh fuck, I hurt the motherfucker. (pause) Are you alright, motherfucker?

SHAKA, already dripping with too much DRAMA and ANGST, sets out to write four characters with his blood on REALLY BIG PINK FLOWER PETALS and send them away instead of communicating with ATHENA cleanly through MIND SPACE, before evaporating like the fine mist over a summer lawn (complete with CHERRY BLOSSOMS). This is MELODRAMATIC, yet makes everyone cry their eyes out, including ATHENA.

EXT. SANCTUARY

ATHENA: I am crying, therefore, this is GOOD! Watch more _Saint Seiya!_

EXT. TWIN SALA GARDEN

The TRIO also burst into tears.

CAMUS: (crying) I can't feel ANYTHING anymore! Did Shaka cut my hair? Is God in the rain?

SAGA: (sobbing) Don't give in! Times like this are the ones that test one's atheist alignment!

CAMUS: (crying) You mean he ISN'T? God this SUCKS!

SHURA: (crying) Shut up, Saga, just shut up.


	7. Clash of the Imbeciles

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

MU: (crying) They actually killed Shaka with that Big-Bang-Wannabe! (with tears of joy) Thank God! I always hated that guy!

CAMUS: (entering) If Shaka reincarnates, remind me to peel off his skin and dump him in a sewage treatment pond!

SAGA: (entering) I hate my life!

SHURA: (entering) I hate your life, too!

AIOLIA: What a dramatic situation of the cheesier variety!

Suddenly, they realize they are within striking distance with each other.

MILO: (excitedly) I've been waiting to say this line for years. (to Camus) So, take your pick: do you prefer the stake or a hole through your temples?

CAMUS: You know, just for you saying that I could smash you into frozen chunks of meat if I weren't handicapped.

MILO: Oh, but you _are, _ice-man!

AIOLIA: (barely faking his anger) You killed the douchebag who had nothing but contempt for everybody! I'll kill you!

SHURA: Hey asshole, I believe Shaka forced that choice upon us at the expense of our senses AND dignity! It was his decision to die, really, and there's a difference between intended suicide and dirty murder!

MU: Cut the small talk! Let us draw strength from the power of awkwardly contrived, pretentious and ultimately destructively selfish and impulsive hatred!

They FIGHT!

MILO: Fuck, where is that asshole Kanon when we need him the most?

SHAKA: (from Hell) Aieeeee! What are you doing?! No, you may NOT touch my cement block that bears Buddha's earlobe print! And move yourself AWAY from my collection of Bollywood movie DVDs! This is the only set in the entire Greece! Oh, don't even go near my tailored Buddha statue that I shipped all the way from India!

SAGA breaks more stuff and tears down a wall.

SHAKA: THAT'S MY CERTIFICATE OF RECOGNITION FOR SUPERPOWERED ASS SPECIFIED BY MUNDANE CHARACTERIZATION! OH, MY AWARD TROPHY FOR MY EXCELLENCE IN NONSENSICAL POETRY! IT'S FROZEN AND CRUSHED! GOOD GOD, DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE?!

Both sides are charging up ATHENA EXCLAMATIONS.

SHAKA: NOOOO! Pieces of you will be all over the place! This is the Virgo Temple, Goddamn it, and your shit is NOT supposed to touch the insides of a Virgin!

AIOLIA: Why would you care? You're dead already!

SHAKA: I'm a Buddhist, and Buddhists don't perish completely, they RE-INCARNATE. This means twenty years later or so I will be back and need some place where I feel at home, by which I mean it can sufficiently remind me of how superior I am to all of you.

MU: That's why we must completely atomize this construct. (pause) DIE SAGA DIE!

SHAKA: NOOOOOO! Get off my property! GET OFF MY PROPERTY! OH, THERE'S NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!

The two ATHENA EXCLAMATIONS clash into each other while the camera helpfully closes up to the perpetuators!

AIOLIA: YOU'RE DEAD MEAT YOU TWO-FACED FREAKS!

MILO: TAKE THAT YOU PATHETIC RETARDED WHORES OF HADES!

MU: I WILL MAKE YOU NEW SETS OF ARMORS – FOR YOUR LONELY FUNERAL!

CAMUS: I WILL SEND YOU TO LIVE IN A REIGN OF FREEZING TERROR!

SHURA: MAY YOUR DROWN IN A LAKE OF EVERLASTING BURNING PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ANGUISH!

SAGA: I PRAY MILLIONS OF DEMON WORMS CROWD INTO YOUR IGNORANT AUTOMATON BRAINS CONTROLLED BY DESCARTES' DEMON IN AN UNJUST WAR!

There is a stunned silence.

SAGA: What?

SHAKA: (ignoring him) STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

Suddenly, BRONZE SAINTS redirect the COLLISION and send it to the outer atmosphere. EVERYTHING explodes and everyone is buried by the DESTROYED VIRGO TEMPLE'S RUBBLE.

MU: …

SAGA: …

SHURA: Ow.

SHAKA: (cries)

CAMUS: (in a sing-song voice) Snow is pure! Snow is pretty! Have you seen snow? I've seen ice cubes!

SHURA: (alarmed) Camus, did you hit your head?

CAMUS: Oh, Mr. Snow, I love you so. You are my only friend.

SAGA: …My God.

MU: (finishing a call from Athena) Well, turns out we have to bring you people to the Boss. She wants to personally speak with you. (sniggers) Especially since you are in such a helpless, sensation-deprived state.

SAGA: …Help.

They walk off carrying the TRIO.

MILO: Why do _I_ have to carry Aquarius fucking Camus, who just happens to be a repulsive loony now?

CAMUS: (singing) Oh, Frosty the snowman,/Was alive as he could be

Finally, after much walking, they drop them off in front of ATHENA.

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

CUE: GIRLY THEME MUSIC

ATHENA: (sadistically smiling, especially at Saga) So, we meet again, "Pope Ares."

SHURA: Oh, I can't look at this.

SAGA: (panicking) That wasn't me. That was that stupid, stupid, stupid EVIL Saga—

ATHENA: Well, whoever it was, it's going to be you now. (directs Kanon to hand over the infamous golden dagger) Stab Me with it, Saga.

ALL: What?

ATHENA: Stab Me to death.

SAGA: You gotta be kidding me. What the hell is so special about this dagger, except that I want nothing to do with it and it looks nothing like the one I actually used in that episode of a really poorly planned assassination?

ATHENA: Well, it's yours, right? Anyway, if you don't do it, I'm going to do it to Myself and make it seem that you did it. You will be remembered and hated for all eternity as someone who stabbed Athena and made this anime never end. It makes Me smile even if I'm dead.

SAGA: Actually, killing You really wasn't the point. Um, now that we've met You, we can tell You that we really wanted to – (pause, before realizing something terrible) I…I forgot. (eyes widening) I FORGOT! NOOOO! ALL THOSE EFFORTS AND LOST SENSES! WASTED! What was it?! God, WHAT WAS IT? Shura, HELP!

ATHENA: I'm going to heroically sacrifice Myself!

SHURA: I…I don't remember, either!

ATHENA: I'm going to heroically sacrifice Myself!

SAGA: Camus, do something!

CAMUS: And the children say he could laugh and play/Just the same as you and me

ATHENA stabs Herself and the theme song plays LOUD!

KANON: Oh my. You guys are soooo fucked.

SHURA: Uh, Saga, I might be wrong, I think we were supposed to just tell Her about the armor for Her to shed some blood then wait for Shion, instead of actually dying.

SAGA: Yes. I get it. Thank you so much. Now please chainsaw yourself.

CAMUS: Fro— (abruptly waking up because he is strangled by Milo) Aieee! Stop!

MILO: You forced Athena to die!

CAMUS: What the…hey, you know She didn't really die, and plus She stabbed Herself!

MILO: I don't care! I need someone to strangle for no reason, and it's too bad you are defenseless!

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE

SEIYA: (crying) We are so useless!

SHIRYU: (crying) Hey, leave me out of this!

EVERYONE cries and feels depressed. ATHENA falls into a pool of blood. Montage of various good characters doing stuff is played.

INT. VIRGO TEMPLE – HOURS LATER

HYOGA: (still crying) Okay, what happens now?

SEIYA: (sniffs) Uh…let's go visit Athena's statue, so that we can cry some more.

They DO, and encounters SHION.

SHION: Oh, greetings, twenty-year-old protagonists who attempt to look thirteen.

SHUN: Huh? Didn't your cosmo vanish? Doesn't that mean you are _dead_?

SHION: I was, but then the Creator realized he got a bit carried away with all that blood-spilling soul-sucking stuff and he had completely ruined any exit strategies for the plot, of which he still had no definite idea when he drew the fight between that tiger-fart and me. So, when he finally knew what he was doing, he decided to ignore that I was dead and pray somehow the audience wouldn't notice.

SHIRYU: That was lame.

SHION: Yeah? You obviously haven't deduced the TRUTH and the PLOT TWIST, then, for which I was dragged back here to deliver.


	8. The Cloth of MacGuffin

Administrative note: Big thanks for all those who stick to the end of this story! The next season of Saint Seiya: Satan has already been partially completed, but I will need feedback on the audience interest. Now that that's over, enjoy the last chapter of this incredibly silly season.

* * *

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TORTURE ROOM

DEATHMASK, APHRODITE, SHURA and CAMUS are all screaming maniacally. Projected onto one of the walls is FUNNY GAMES.

APHRODITE: Why?! Why do they have to make us SUFFER?! What hatred is driving this MADNESS?!

CAMUS: Horrible! Just HORRIBLE! ARGH!

SHURA: (crying) I will never know love!

DEATHMASK: Violence is bad, bad, BAD! I get it! I was an evil, evil man! PLEASE! I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED! MERCY!

SAGA, quietly sitting in the corner, suddenly springs up and shrieks as if electrocuted.

SAGA: No! NO! Your plot has failed, Hades! I'M NOT YOUR SKINNERIAN RAT! Your premise of your torture-comedy experiment is FALSE, even under GREEK-LANGUAGE conditions, BECAUSE I'M STORMING THE BOOTH AND RIPPING THE FILM OUT OF THE PROJECTOR TO SYMBOLICALLY REFUSE TO SWALLOW THESE FORCE-FED MEDICINAL DOSES OF SYNTHESIZED ABUSE YOUR FILM IS ADMINISTERING SINCE YOUR HYPOTHESIS THAT FILMED VIOLENCE WILL SHOCK ME INTO A KNEE-JERK ETHICAL DILEMMA IS PLAUSIBLE ONLY ON THE GROUNDS OF—

Suddenly, he finds himself in front of the HELL GATE, with everyone else dressed in SPLICES and watching him. SHION coughs pointedly.

SAGA: (embarrassed as hell) …an impenetrable wall of insufferable smugness. (whispers) And you should go back to college and study cognitive psychology.

SHION: Precisely the kind of rubbish I'd expect from the imbecile who murdered me! As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, you must pretend to be despicable, selfish assholes…

APHRODITE: As if this is difficult…

SHION: …Who cares about nothing but your own short-sighted desires and thus are evil enough to murder Athena, just because you are so stupid that you believe in a Greek God's promise to let you live forever, and a God notorious for His lack of commitment at that, even by Greek God standards!

MISTY: (pause) While the truth is…?

SHION: The truth is we are just trying to make sure Her blood is all over the statue.

DANTE: Errr…why?

SHION: Isn't it obvious? Because it tastes delicious! (pause) Ah, but of course that shouldn't concern you. You just need to know that's why you are brought here, complete with a life of twelve hours, within which you will infiltrate the Sanctuary, rush all the way to its top, penetrate the heavy defense made up of the cosmos of FIVE Gold Saints and Athena Herself, somehow reach the target, make Her spill Her blood while pretending to Hades' minions that you are evil by killing your former colleagues who are just as or more powerful than you are.

MOSES: That sounds like a horrible plan.

SHION: Yeah? Well, that's for the ex-Gold Saints. The ex-Silver Saints don't even have a life of twelve hours; you only have three hours, just enough for you to run off and lure the Special Immortal Unit to this place by getting yourself humiliatingly killed. Now, any questions?

BABEL: Other than the fact that we the late-twenty-year-olds are being commanded by someone who looks younger than a high school graduate? We are doing just fine!

DEATHMASK: Dude, you are talking to the guys who've just been through white burning hot shit; we'd do ANYTHING to stay out of that room for just a few hours.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

SEIYA: Wait, so all these people were killing each other because they were convincing Hades that they were bad? Why didn't they use Telepathy to communicate so that they could act together and be far more efficient at passing the temples, then? What, did you sincerely believe that the remaining Gold Saints had acting skills worse than the Trio's?

SHUN: And why did you have to kill Athena for it? Can't you just, I don't know, persuade Her to cut Herself and leave some blood for you or something?

HYOGA: And if She had to enter Hell to confront Hades personally, couldn't She wait until you've acquired Her Cloth? Also, if She didn't acquire the Eighth Sense this accidentally, wouldn't you really kill Her and destroy the world?

SHIRYU: And why did you have to lure us here? Didn't this just make the Trio's task even MORE difficult?

SHION: Bah! What do you know about plans? And if you will excuse me, I require some much-missed Athena blood feast.

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

The TRIO is presenting a POTATO BAG to PANDORA, who almost always keeps her eyes closed apparently because everyone around her is so pathetic that they are offensive to her eyesight.

PANDORA: What do you want, losers?

SAGA: (shuffling uncomfortably) Miss…we've brought you…uh, Athena's Dead Body.

SHURA: (squinting suspiciously) Yes, Dead Body.

CAMUS: (slightly out of breath) Dead. Totally Dead.

PANDORA: So I've heard. Still, the circumstance was a little…unusual, shall I say.

GUY WHO LOOKS AND BEHAVES SO REPULSIVELY THAT IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS HE'S DESIGNED JUST TO BE HATED BY VIEWERS FOR NO REASON: They could be lying, Lady Pandora! Don't forget their proud claim that "A Saint's loyalty cannot be bought!"

SAGA: (shamelessly whining) But this IS Athena's body!

PANDORA: That I need to see for myself. It's questionable whether you have…

As ZELOS goes over to investigate the POTATO BAG, SHURA, snatching an opportunity that exists only because the camera suddenly pans away, quickly holds PANDORA at knifepoint.

PANDORA: …honored your end of the deal.

SAGA: All right, bitch, give us the location of your Brother right now!

He shakes PANDORA and spits in her face.

SHURA: (fending off Saga) Hey, I thought you agreed to let ME play the bad cop!

SAGA: I didn't say that, good cop!

Suddenly, they gasp and succumb to SUNLIGHT THAT SHINES ON THIS ROOM AND NOT ANYWHERE ELSE.

CAMUS: Argh, but we've won, in any case!

PANDORA: Now that I've realized Athena's battle plans, I will pursue the most natural course of actions. (pause) Zelos! I will now leave those morons to your own trivial designs, and don't do anything remotely approaching torturing precious information like the details of Athena's strategies out of them!

ZELOS: Got it! No interrogation, no subtlety, and absolutely no believable character behavior!

EXT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

RHADAMANTHYS is beating the shit out of the MU, MILO, and AIOLIA by just blowing his nose, because he's THAT crazy awesome.

MILO: I REPEAT: Where the hell are that asshole Kanon and plus those ancient hacks Dohko and Shion when we need them the most?

MU: And for that matter, why the hell are you so powerful? You didn't use drugs or any other unfair advantages, right?

RHADAMANTHYS: Ha, I will attack you by sticking my tongue at you and thereby send you to suffer eternally in Cocytus!

AIOLIA: Like, when we fall unconscious, die and probably can't feel anything and hence suffer afterwards?

RHADAMANTHYS: Just like Zelos' dwarf porn collection that I sent there the other day? Hell yeah!

Suddenly, THE TITLE CHARACTER ARRIVES WITH COMET PUNCHES AND CHEESY THEME MUSIC!

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's –

MU: Go away, Pegasus.

AIOLIA: (staying away from Seiya as far as he can) We will take care of him, WITHOUT YOU. Heroically. And obviously lie that we will meet you later.

SHIRYU: Hmm, yeah, I guess you have to die, even though you three could just blow him up with another of your Athena Exclamations, actually for a better reason than why you attacked the Trio.

MILO: Er, shut up.

The FOUR BRONZE SAINTS run off into the CASTLE and the GOLD SAINTS promptly are killed by RHADAMANTHYS, who makes them sign PINK SLIPS.

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

ZELOS is happily celebrating his victories by ruining CAMUS' image; suddenly, the TITLE CHARACTER strikes again by shattering the rooftop from the INSIDE of the castle!

SEIYA: Everyone who's just about to die long before Shion dies for some reason! Have you prepared parting speeches of ridiculous length to make the audience cry?

SAGA: Cry about the artificiality and dumbness of this show? YES!

MOVING MUSIC plays and this place glitters with the beautiful light that is killing the TRIO.

CAMUS: (disintegrating) Ooooooh, I see a place of light. It's so pretty.

SHURA: (disintegrating) Do you believe in heaven? Is that where we are going?

SAGA: (disintegrating) Well, wherever we are going, I hope there will be cake.

CAMUS: (disintegrating) And ice-cream frosting! And iced tea! And—

SAGA: Shut up, Camus. (disintegrates)

They enter their AFTERLIFE, hoping that it counts their noble sacrifices.

INT. DARK, POORLY-LIT ROOM

SHURA: Er, what is this place?

Suddenly, the projector is turned on, and on the wall is the movie HOSTEL: PART II. A clearly crazy APHRODITE turns to them, his eyes unnaturally wide, while ALDEBARAN, as if aged for a ten years, snarls in high pitch.

ALDEBARAN: There you are! You are just about to witness the downfall of civilization!

CAMUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE – BACK ON EARTH

HYOGA: (turns on Zelos and full of righteous anger) You kicked my master's master in the stomach! Therefore, I'm shredding you and will make the pain a hundred times more intense! Har!

ZELOS: What? Extracting mild pain and humiliation from someone who almost froze me to death wasn't a reasonable response?

HYOGA: Er…but you look kind of disgusting, and therefore it's totally right.

HYOGA kills ZELOS, but as just as they try to follow PANDORA, RHADAMANTHYS stops them, rendering the GOLD SAINTS' sacrifice POINTLESS.

RHADAMANTHYS: It's time for YOU to sign the pink slips!

He beats them up, but they keep coming back!

SEIYA: We will never surrender to your Human Resource Department policies of arbitrary cruelty! Die!

He grabs RHADAMANTHYS and they plummet into the darkness.

SHUN: Wait, what? So we are supposed to enter Hell, too? Have we awakened our Eighth Sense or not?

HYOGA: I have no idea.

SHIRYU: Then let's just stare at this hole purposefully and not do anything until the next part of this anime.

HYOGA: But there's no way that this unsatisfactory sequence is the end when the viewers have to wait for two years to get the next part!

It IS.

END

DELETED/REVISED SCENES:

MU: Greetings, welcome to the Sanctuary. Please let us begin by offering a premium upgrade from the bare basics of this tour for just an additional $8.99 that comes with a diamond-platinum club membership that is good for the entire duration of 24 hours!

* * *

HYOGA: Er…but you are not my master's master.

* * *

ZELOS: Therefore moral principles are inapplicable to me? How can a show claim to proclaim traditional moral values while violating the most basic of ethical logic?

* * *

APHRODITE: Bah, you make it sound so easy, because you have _no idea_ what it is like! Let me ask you one question: have you ever imagined hell? Truly, seriously consider the meaning of everlasting punishment? When you die, your soul will arrive at this horrible place where there is no hope, no life, no nothing. You will choke, scream, burn, and cry in anguish for an eternity, and will it ever matter to you if you lived for more one year, or ten, or a hundred? If you were a coward or a hero, a king or a beggar? No, you'll only think: God, make it stop.

* * *

AIOLIA: What the…? Those voices make me so nostalgic, and by nostalgic, I mean feeling a sharp sense of dread and impending doom.

* * *

SHION: Precisely the kind of stuff I'd expect from the imbecile who murdered me. As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, I need you scumbags to fetch some Athena blood to feast on. That's why I've summoned you!

CAMUS: Sir!

SHION: But don't get cocky; you will only live for 12 hours! And after that, go back to hell or wherever you poked your ugly head from!

CAMUS: SIR!

SHION: Argh. What is it, iceboy?!

CAMUS: What if the soldier is an Athena Saint?

SHION: Did you blast your brains with a shotgun, son? Didn't I make it clear that we're doing Athena a favor by feasting on her blo…er, reclaiming her God cloth?

* * *

SHION: But don't fret. The Corps is tough but the Corps is also generous. We'd supply you with new armors and give you back your old attacks.

DEATHMASK: So…no new weapons to maximize our chances?

SHION: Nah. I figured you'd be fine with the current budget.

* * *

SHION: As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, you must make sure that Athena's blood is available for use when I reach her statue!

APHRODITE: Err…why?

SHION: Didn't I explain it to you? It tastes delicious! (pause) Ah, but of course that shouldn't concern you. You just need to know that it's required for her Cloth, though to make that happen, given our dead state, won't be easy.

* * *

GUY WHO LOOKS AND BEHAVES SO REPULSIVELY THAT IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS HE'S DESIGNED JUST TO BE HATED BY VIEWERS FOR NO REASON: They could be lying, Lady Pandora! Don't forget their proud claim that "A Saint's loyalty cannot be boug—

CAMUS: (alarmed) Quiet!

He freezes ZELOS, drawing even more suspicion to their actual motives.

SAGA: ANYWAY, this IS Athena's body.

PANDORA: That I need to see for myself. It's questionable whether you have…

As ZELOS goes over to investigate the POTATO BAG, SHURA, snatching a non-existent opportunity, quickly holds PANDORA at knifepoint.

PANDORA: …honored your end of the deal.

* * *

SAGA: (embarrassed as hell) …an impenetrable wall of insufferable smugness. (whispers) And you should go back to college and study behavioral economics.

* * *

SHURA: MAY THE HELL FLAMING LAKE BURN YOUR ROTTEN BONES!

SAGA: I PRAY MILLIONS OF DEMON WORMS STUFF YOUR HYPER-ACID-FLOODED DIGESTION SYSTEM!

* * *

SEIYA: Wait, so all these people were killing each other because they were convincing Hades that they were bad? Why didn't they use Telepathy to communicate so that they could be far more efficient at passing the Temples, then? Did I just spend hours of my life following a plan that turned out to be so stupid?

* * *

SHION: May I interest you with a game of bridge? I always bring those decks around, since it's really hard to keep one busy in this series.

* * *

RHADAMANTHYS: (making swooshing noises with his silly wings) Did you hear that? That's the sound of your self-esteem shattering into a million tiny pieces!

ACCOMPANIED BY:

Hey, Soul Splitter  
(To the Tune of "Hey, Soul Sister")

INT. GEMINI TEMPLE

SAGA  
(to Kanon)  
Hey, hey, hey  
Your CV stains on the reputation of all Saints  
You knew I wouldn't forgive you  
And so you campaigned to split my mind  
Your wrongdoings  
The stench of you in every single little thing  
I knew when we collided there's no one I more derided  
You're one of a kind

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral  
It's like a cheesy TV show  
Hey, bullshitter, I don't want to have a single thing to doooo with you

Hey, hey, hey  
She is blind, recklessly neglects the warning signs I see  
You attempt misdirection  
Pathetic imperfection, I wonder why  
You're so obsessed  
Relentless hounding Godhood like a Goddamned pest  
You followed pursuits of Overman Zarathustra  
So I'm always gonna wanna bust your crimes

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral  
The trades you made ain't fair you know  
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you

The way you can suck the blood  
Depress overall utility  
To ethics, you're no good  
Brutish, nasty, short should be the life you lead  
'Cause according to my Socrates  
I'm unique, you can't replace me  
I want the world to witness me kill thee

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral  
Tactics you used shameless and low  
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you  
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you  
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (Screw you)  
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (Screw you)

* * *

I Don't Use No Worthless Teams  
(to the tune of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams")

EXT. TWIN SALA GARDEN

SHAKA:  
I walk a Holy Road  
The only one that should be ever known  
I know where it goes  
Only the worthy so I walk alone

I walk with dignity  
Fully mindful of my faculties  
Saw through heresy  
And I'm the only one, thus I walk alone

I walk alone  
I walk alone  
I walk alone  
I walk a-

My generosity encompass galaxies  
My genetics are superb and cause of envy  
Therefore I shepherd dumb sheep with my mercy  
And hence I talk alone

Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om Ooom-Om  
Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om

I'm here since dawn of times  
That divides them from my Divine Mind  
Transcend all mankind  
Aimless insects whom I mock alone  
See my godly light  
Focused my stuff so everything's aligned  
Powers rivaled Christ  
Best man was assigned  
And I fought alone

I fought alone  
I fought alone  
I fought alone  
I fought a-

I'm constant in fleeting world because my mind's free  
They're constrained by emotions without discipline  
Therefore I'm sure nobody can surpass me  
And hence I rock alone!

Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om Ooom-Om  
Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om

I rock alone  
I rock a-

He shows off WHEEL OF REINCARNATION and HEAVENLY DOMINANCE OVER EVIL SPIRITS.

SHAKA:  
I am pure energy  
Of the Buddhism's equivalent of King  
Freed from misery  
You lie somewhere bleeding and I rock a...

My unity lives post end of what is empty  
This universe exists for my perfection  
If you beat me you can form your own theory  
'Till then I'm God alone!

UNEXPLAINED SUSPENSEFUL FOOTAGE AFTER CREDITS!

INT. GRIM, BLUE-ISH THRONE ROOM

SHUN WITH CHANGED HAIR: Ooooooooo, look at the baby-eating, young-girl-raping, sucking-human-blood-through-the-umbilicus slug! Isn't she adorable? Come on, you have to admit she's the most wonderful and brilliant creation since Nazism!

IKKI: What the fuck have you done to my little brother?


End file.
